Will follow my instinct…

No matter what, I don’t believe in appeasing! Why should I? I believe I am always right and my powers of reasoning are strong, precise and accurate! Sounds egoistic? Full of attitude? Well, I am all that and more! Why? To answer that, I can say I can access any situation/ study the issue from different angles first, try to gauge it …fathom it…. put myself in the other person’s shoes and then reason! Reading the Bhagwad Gita 4 times, (every time I read, I perceive a different meaning), its influence and the other writings on spirituality that I have crammed in the last couple of years, has etched deep marks in my mind. So, I believe I have mastered the art of understanding people. But you are in a dilemma, whenever you confront a situation. Usually in such an instance, the veneer of irresistible charm peels off and you meet the real person. You are hurt... in a state of shock!! A storm is raging inside and you have no control. You are writhing in pain and feel like huddling up in a corner. You feel as if you have thrown into a deep dark abyss and there is no coming back. You stop breathing and your hands starts shaking. You are in a state of limbo! The next moment… You feel like giving it back! You see red, your blood curls! You know it is difficult to remain impassive! I guess….it happens to everyone! You rack your brains seeking an answer…there are no answers… not now… not yet! You try to calm down and think….. Usually, the first thing that crops it into my mind is why did the person react to it? Of course the approach was offensive, the attitude most unbecoming and the despicable behaviour unwarranted. It was unseemly rude, unbelievable and hurting! My obvious questions always are… Why did he do this? Why did he react to it? I believe it is because of his circumstances. People react mostly to the situation that they face in everyday life. At a loss, not knowing what to do, they react. Eventually, the stress and tension builds up and that makes them react in that particular way. Well, you understand, try to forgive and move on….The truth is, it’s better that way, We all know that… don’t we? The past is finished and the future is what is important! As for me, I plan to improvise and follow my instinct…

I know… You don’t feel the pain anymore! The wounds inflicted are still raw and the severe beating continues. Your back is lacerated…old wounds are yet to heal and new ones are leaving its imprint. It doesn’t affect you! The words are always the same…. have always been. The accusations endless! The berating goes on and on.. until the silent blows murders your sanity and your life’s energy is sapped. The hollowness … the empty feeling pervades your whole being. You are awake, but not conscious. All you wish for is to lie down and wait for the shroud of silence to engulf you. And, you have been trying…. You have been trying to put your thoughts into paper. Words fail! Pen poised.. you think about the time when it all started. The images and thoughts flash through your mind. You try to dwell on those moments and it brings a smile to your lips. Slowly, tumultuous thoughts take away those moments and your heart grows heavy. You shake out of the reverie and have decided to be immune. To shut your ears to the outside world and bottle up your feelings. It has always been like that… from the start… you knew it…. Still, you have decided to keep walking… I know…. Life hasn’t been easy! There have been good as well as bad times. You have fallen down and have stood up again. I know… One day you will overcome it. You will be strong enough to stand alone….. The drone continues.. . your mind seeks the memory of the sunny glade and the misty mountains where you had once been. Remember those early mornings, when the fingers of fog curled through the roots of the trees and made its way up to the sunkissed valley… I smiled….

To do or not to do............

I have seen my friends making New Year resolutions every year. They give up their favourite chocolates and desserts. I have seen others forsaking meat and alcohol. But frankly, I haven’t contemplated on giving up on those as I like my desserts and tipple too much. I have never stopped myself from indulging whenever I want. New Year resolutions are made to be broken, but they must be at least made. After all these resolutions are not the first step to sainthood. It’s not a self inflicted and short lived tribulation. As Oscar Wide has said, “the best way of overcoming temptation is to give into it.”
I remember the times when I made pious commitments, stuck to them for a week, weakly follow the next week and happily forget about it the week later. I remember the number of times I had turned my eyes from the sinful desserts or picking up a packet of gum instead of reaching out for my packet of Esses. The first week I was happy and jubiliant- I have really done it! I have the grit and determination, I was proud of myself. The next week left me feeling guilty. But I felt the best when I cast off the resolutions and returned to my old rogue ways.
I think it is more convenient that way, and makes me feel less guilty. Giving up your temptations make you feel good. Giving in to them even feels better. Infact, i believe that a spot of denial whets the appetite and gives a sharp edge to temptation. The lapse, when it happens, makes everything more tempting and all the more sweeter.
So if you are struggling of giving up something for good this New Year, let me offer a little advice. It has to be something which isn’t easy. But it should be something that you really can’t do without. Otherwise you won’t feel like a martyred saint for the first good week. But it also has to be something that you really wish to do. Otherwise you can’t reproach yourself when you finally give in to your temptations. But most importantly , it has to be something so insipid, that it really doesn’t matter. Otherwise, when you finally give in, you won’t feel relieved as you bid adieu to your resolution.
If you still haven’t made your New Year resolutions, start making them now.And if you are still contemplating on what to give up, you have 360 days to choose for the next year. Till then, have a very Happy New year.

In and Out....

So I am suddenly single? Am I? Wasn’t I one always? Remember the pep talks? Every man is an island…blah.. blah… blah…
Well, I would have to be inhuman if I say that this status doesn’t affect me. But to tell you the truth, I am not crying buckets and listening to sad songs. I have no regrets. I wanted it, I got it. My friends think I am mad as a hatter and stubborn. Yes, I am a lot many times. But that was not in play here. I was justified in sticking to my stand.
I was on a vacation, and life presented me a bouquet of opportunities. And ‘it ‘just happened… out of the blue. I think time just warps in places like this and you fall in love with the blue cool of the sea, the azure sky, the golden beach. The special moment beguiles and captivates you…… and you are lost forever. And you could actually spend the rest of your natural life wandering aimlessly without realizing it.
Spending 3 to 4 hours with him was more intriguing personal time I had spent in months. This is it. I finally found someone… and my life has just begun.
It brought out the best in me. I decide to go ahead with it and face the consequences that came along with it. It’s as simple as that. I am an adult and I decide for myself my life, my rules.
Was that what I wanted? After all I should have known better. I couldn’t fathom the weakness in me that craved for ‘those’ words, promises and plans. Couldn’t I be content with what I was and not always dream about what could be? It didn’t matter what I told myself… I realized. I was smitten… so stupidly that no one had a clue.
It lasted only for a couple of weeks…
Hey, I am willing to listen and open to discussion. You do make adjustments and try to find the common ground and that’s reasonable. But listen, don’t give me your ultimatums. It is a deal breaker. One needs to change with times. Listen to your heart once in awhile. You need to think… I believe it’s just a mind set, if you can think you can have your way, and then you want to have it all the way. But that’s not it..
You don’t owe me anything. I think for myself, decide for myself, just as I always have. And I sure won’t let anyone do it for me now.
Maybe some day I will find someone who will listen to my heart and understands me. Till then I will continue to spin improbable dreams…

Love finds a way...

Dawn, the awakening promise of it, has always been my favorite time. Especially, when the first rays of the sun kisses the tree tops and hugs the entire earth. This is the time I usually limber up to my terrace with my morning cuppa to check my flowerpots. Yesterday, the yellow roses were in full bloom, so also were the azaleas.
Flowers bring life, especially their different hues and fragrances. I like mixed gardens, cottage gardens, shade gardens, herb gardens and sunny cutting gardens.

I still remember how I used tolovingly tend my garden back home. In my garden, I had nothing formal; formality wouldn’t work for me, or my land, as I used to live in a rocky hillside, with rough, uneven ground. But, love finds a way. And I love flowers…

When spring slides towards summer, and the flood of colour from my azaleas had faded, the heavy head of my peonies have given way to a dance of daylilies, my flower beds were approaching peak.
I had a long, long stream of raised beds behind my house, and more lining the land down my long front slope. They were a lot of work to maintain, and a great joy for me. In summer I had a purple, pink and white flood of petunias, feathery red heads of Sylvia, yellow petals of calendulas, pools of sage and oceans of marigolds. The others are done for the season, but there’s always something new budding up or bursting up. There’s always something spilling or searing or spreading.
So were the weeds, which I used to hunt out and destroy like a soldier on an endless mission.
In the shade, the rajnigandhas fanned their soft plumes and the indramalatis are islands of soothing green and yellow. The rabbit loves the flowers, and I love the rabbits. But that doesn’t stop me from warding them off. I remember many a times when I ran out of the house waving my arms like a mad woman if I found the rabbits snacking on my dahlias and morning glories. I had dogs, but they didn’t seem interested in guarding my flowers.

So if you really need some downtime and take a break from the monotonous life, you know where to head. Take a walk in the garden. Pull a weed, smell a flower. See if it doesn’t make you smile…..

Feelings.....

Hey listen….

Whatever we feel for each other with or without words have been more than enough for me, from the time we have met. And, I am taking these moments with me.

Even from the first, without even knowing who you are, you are important, special and different…..infact, very very rare. From the very beginning, you have been my dream. A dream come true. You have been heaven and hell and once in a while purgatory….somewhere in between.

We had given meaning to each other’s lives, color and depth. We have been frightened too, the fear of the unknown… the unperceived. I can still recollect what you said…. “Let’s not land ourselves in trouble. What if tomorrow…….”I have accepted it and have taken it in my stride.I believe peace, acceptance and love will come with age and time. The moments we have gone through have been hard won and hard learnt.

In the last couple of days, we have shared something that fewer people ever do. It had been tumultuous and exhilarating…it had been a magical dance, the steps of which have been very difficult to learn. We saw what other people couldn’t.

We decided not to go with the flow…not to get entangled and to bring up the ghosts of the past and rattle the sabers of guilt.

But the truth is, we have found each other and lost each other……………as few people did.

Said Unsaid............

The night unfolded, calm and still
The wind whistled, the leaves trembled
In hushed sonority,
As if in sync with my thoughts.

I gazed, trying to recollect
The said and unsaid.
My heart and mind are tumultuous,
Thoughts pour forth,
Jumbled and tangled.
And, I feel trapped in the darkness.

Is it because I am still lost in those moments?
When you held my hand and walked beside me.
I can still listen to your heartbeats,
And feel your breathe.
The times you held me close
And whispered…

A circle of hopes and dreams,
Caressing and bewitching
Desires paraded as wishes…
Reality seems like an illusion…
A longing for the difference.

But…
The reverie breaks.
Time has moved on ,
You are no longer beside me
My eyes sting…
As my memories’ weep.