connected with you

Life is ephemeral-transitory. Life has its own challenges, I know and have realized it. You and I have reached an understanding. And I already appreciate your presence in my life. Because, I really don't know how much time I have left with you. In my silent prayers, I wish you all the success in life. You have touched my life, and I like that. I feel connected with you. Earlier, I was not with anyone. And I waited.
Sometimes the wait is long, yet my hope never died. That for me is important! I believed that one day, you will come along. And you did! I liked everything about you .You've such an insatiable appetite for knowledge. It's for this I will remember you through my life. Enjoy every moment that life has given to me.
I thank you for tip toeing into my life and filling it with love and laughter...and for your support.

Amidst all the madness..

Amidst all the madness,
And the memories of the time past,
I feel my world crumbling away
Leaving me forlorn and detached.

Some times late at night,
My heart swells up,
I feel at these times,
That my heart doesn't want you,
And,I have to get away from you.

But as the hours pass
And I get ready to sleep,
The new dawn filters through the shutters,
I heard the birds singing,
Bringing me hope
That you will be mine still.

Night falls

Night falls, sleep stealthily walks in
Eyes squeezed shut,
Slow breathing
For sleep to fall in..

Sleep no longer cradles me,
Is it 'coz the night is clear full of stars?
Reminds me of the time we spend together,
Or is it my dreams that are keeping me awake?

Nights are desolate,
Empty without someone to love,
Someone to call your very own,
And loneliest of all without the one you already love.

Waiting for you

From the first day I saw you,
I just can't help thinking of you.
Until the other day I was alone,
You walked in to my life,
And stole my peace of mind.
I don't know what to do.
Just can't help wanting you.

Like the bright sunshine,
You touched my heart,
And made me happy and cry
But now that you have left,
What am I supposed to do?
Feels like my whole world is at stake,
And I am waiting for you.

I hear your voice on the line,
Read the old messages
And slowly I go insane,
But nothing stops the pain.
Want to tell you wherever you are,
And whatever you do.
I will be right here
Waiting for you.

'coz I knew no other

Even at home I am lonely. I sit in my room and cry. It's so hard to make friends, develop a relationship, and then, they leave you for no reason. I sometimes roam around the neighborhood at night, hoping to find someone... someone who will spend some time with me and listen to me. But, I just end up coming home alone.
But once upon a time, I did have someone whom I could call my very own. He was mine...always there for me.
He was one who stood by me and his presence was capable of lifting me up whenever I fell or was down in the dumps. He held me through my testing times, and above all nurtured me out of my lonesome past. Sometimes I wonder, why this undying untamed love? Sometimes, I ask myself...why this obsession?Why this urge to spot him in a crowd? I worshiped the very ground he walked. The only answer to all this baffling questions are - because you know no other.
Love for me in the last few weeks was snuggling up to him, smell for me was his perfume, which I could smell 3 floors apart, touch for me is when he used to hold my hands and lead me to the dance floor. And his warm touch would say and convey everything.

I know that I have lost everything. My whole world has changed since the day he left. Happiness to me today, is when I hear from him sometimes. And, when I think back on these words -love, happiness, togetherness, I can't seem to find any meaning in them. The connotation and implication of these words and their meaning in my life are no longer the same.

But my feelings for him will never change...

Tell me...

Before I give you my heart,
Before my soul merges into yours.
Tell me...

How long will you love me?
Will you be with me
Till my beauty fades
And my colour pales?

Do you love me for my youthful body
Or for the spirit that I have?

Will you still love me
If one day..
The wind stops blowing,
The sweet nectar becomes bitter,
The sun, the moon and the stars
Sink into darkness...

Answer me my friend..
Will you love me for eternity?

Somewhere I lost my way..

Sometimes when I am alone,
I think of you.
Was it all true?
Did you ever love me?
Like I still do....

Seems like a distant dream now
Far, far from today.
Somewhere in the distant dream,
I lost my way.
We were not meant to be,
Now I know this.
But did it have to be
Now I wish..
Somethings were not,
The way they are
We could have been together,
Not this far.

If wishes could turn the wheels of time,
I would be yours,
And you would be mine.

A game called life

The night was oppressive. The air at body temperature was almost motionless. Earlier in the evening there were light cooling rains, but now everything seems to emanate heat, even the silvery half moon, it's countenance brushed with occasional wisps of cloud. The garden itself seemed to exhale the hot, moist breathe of a predator awaiting its prey. The attentive mosquitoes droned, disturbing the tranquility of the evening. It was a night of unrelieved boredom. The only music in the dark night was the light lap of water thrashing against the blue pool.

The candle light flickered, throwing a gamut of images on the wall, as my mind dredged up memories of 'those' moments. Life had been a crazy quilt of events in the last couple of weeks. A kaleidoscope of tete-a tetes, tryst and runaway affairs. All those dreams and half truths glittered like gems on a fascinating cover, beautifully embroidered with skeins of colorful thread. Each knot, each whorl was linked and signified some beautiful moment. Interestingly, when you pull the thread from one particular direction, the whole pattern changes.

That's life I guess! I have realized, no matter how much good you do, every issue has its consequence. And life has been a constant test of fire for me. Nothing has come easy. These days, I have been obsessed with my fears, my insecurities and my unwillingness to see that what is wonderful today, might disappear tomorrow. And then, I would suffer. Gods throw the dice without asking whether you want to be in the game or not. They don't care! When you go, you may leave behind a friend, a foe, a career or a dream. The Gods don't care whether you have it all, whether your every desire may be met through hard work or persistence. The Gods don't want to know about your plans or hopes. Somewhere they are throwing the dice and you are the chosen one. From then on, winning or losing is all a game of luck. The Gods throw the dice freeing love from it's cage. And love can create or destroy-depending on the direction of the wind when it is free. The wind is capricious as the Gods, and deep inside myself, I have begun to feel the gusts...

Sounds of silence

No clock, no sense of time. There is nothing to do, except contemplate. Nothing to read, except the marks on the wall. Vague thoughts and inane feelings crowd my mind --- some happy and some sad. I heard the hands of the clock struck the magic hour. Another day has come to an end, and a new day dawns.
The stultifying silence continues...nothing has changed. It's as if the world has lost its glory. The restlessness is the same. My thoughts and expression are clouded. The ticking of the clock numbs my brain, as I pick up my pen to write down my thoughts.
I stare at the reams of blank pages, the pen poised in the air. So much to write down, but I am bereft of words. Is it because I promised you, I wouldn't write? At least not to bare my feelings and not to get in touch with you? Perhaps, I won't post this write-up, but I need to pretend at least, that I can talk to you. That I am in touch with you. Because it's only through words that I can express my love and dedicate them to you.
Already you seem so far away, and the time we had all the more precious. Yet in my heart, nothing that passed between us is a sin. And I will always care for you. One day, if God is kind, you will understand me. You will hear my prayers. But if that never happens, I want you to know that I treasure every moment we were given. I know it's my responsibility to tell you that I honour your decision and feelings. I swear, I do! But, however selfish it is, I also ask that sometime, when spring comes... when nature is in its full bloom, you think of me. And of those short weeks, how you loved me, and I loved you.

Stop hurting me..

I wish this pain away,
I wish it would stop haunting me.
I have completely broken down,
Please stop hurting me.

I wish I could muster enough courage to cut through my life veins,
And put an end to this misery.
I sat by the window praying.
‘God, can you help me do this?
I so don’t want to belong to this world.

I have descended deep into an abyss,
All around me I can see is darkness,
Intense hurt and pain has pushed me there.
Once again..

The people whom I care about the most,
Has pushed me deep down there,
Because it makes them feel safe,
Your voice doesn't reach out to them
But I have lost something of myself once again…